When the kids grow up, I’m definitely going to get more involved with my hobbies!
When the younger child goes to kindergarten, I’ll finally have time to dedicate to myself! In a couple of years, when we get a more spacious home, I’ll have a chance to work out at home!
When spring comes, I can take up running outdoors! When the weather gets warmer, I can start spending more time in the fresh air!
It seems like there is always something that must happen before we can start doing the things we need.
But is that really so? Isn’t it possible that things are actually the other way around?
What if we have to first do something, work towards what we want, and then the universe will send us all the opportunities?
Is it not true that the Secretary of the Universe expects us to submit a specific request, properly formulated and signed? Signing means you must add something to your request to show that you really mean it. Right now, not next summer or the year after that! Of course, no one forbids you to send the universe a request for next year, but in that case, you should know that it will be placed in a drawer. And it is not certain whether it will ever be seen again. While it is sitting there, a cleaning lady may come by the secretary’s office and throw out the request.
It does not matter whether we think in metaphors – if you fail to express your serious intentions, you will postpone the fulfilment of your desires as well as your needs.
What if you decided to do something today? Try it!
Send a request to the universe about your dreams that could come true today! Think through what they are. Are some of your dreams the kind that you are not ready for today? What would happen if, for example, you got all the free time today that you had hoped to find in three years? How would you use that time? Show me you know how to handle this free time! If, in your dreams, the abundance of free time gives you the opportunity to engage in self-development, then express now what you mean by it! See what’s going to happen!
Excuses we come up with
Is it impossible for you to get into self-developing exercises before the dishes are done? Do you decide that you must wash the windows before you meditate, because you can’t see the sun shining through the windows? Maybe you feel you must quickly clean the floors before you start reading a book?
If that’s what you’re doing, it amounts to taking your signature off your request. What should the secretary conclude about that? “It looks as if there was a request, but it hasn’t been endorsed! I guess he or she doesn’t think it’s important to spend the extra time on self-development. Let’s leave it for now!”
Ask yourself if there is anything in your request that you wouldn’t dare accept. If there is, you must first revise your self-image. What is it that you are denying yourself? And what part of you is denying it from you? If it turns out, for example, that you have a slight fear of accepting a better-paid job today, there’s no point in including a “new job” in your request. First, we need to get rid of that block that makes it scary for you to take on a well-paid job. Is there a fear of responsibility linked with this block? Or is it belief in your own worthlessness? Or something even more obscure?
Meelis is a 45-year-old family man. He has been dreaming for decades that his company would one day work so well that it doesn’t have to be run for eight hours a day and that it would make such a big profit that the family never wants for anything.
Meelis is talented. He is creative, has innovative ideas and also has very well-developed rational thinking. In addition, Meelis is not afraid to contribute, he is diligent, and if the realisation of a good idea requires spending his energy, he is also prepared to do that. He has created many fine solutions to make his home more comfortable and attractive; he is a beloved father whose children always look forward to his awesome games and exciting suggestions.
So what brought Meelis to therapy? Is it because the company doesn’t bring as much profit as expected? No, actually Meelis doesn’t have his own company at all!
Meelis is someone who thinks and plans but doesn’t do great things. The obstacles that block good thoughts are seated in low self-esteem (my idea is not original enough to bring to the market), as well as in a lack of self-confidence (nor can I deal with the realisation of this idea), and in the fear of taking risks (how will I feed my family if I fail?). These are the obstacles that we can track quickly and that Meelis is aware of. We work on these obstacles for a long time. But there’s something else. Something that keeps him from moving on, creating a company, realising ideas, even starting something. What this could be is a puzzle for me, too.
Meelis’ family tree does not include the kind of relatives who might have endured the sufferings of a prison camp, and whose suffering Meelis’s unconscious mind might now wish to repeat.
Finally, after a thorough examination of Meelis’s belief system, it turns out that he believes that “rich men are inferior and abusive to their wives!”
“Is it really so and does it apply to everyone?” I ask Meelis. No, of course not. Meelis even denies the existence of such a belief. Yet that belief is what he is stuck in, like a thorny thicket. If abundance is associated specifically with such negative natural characteristics, the unconscious will do everything to prevent a person from getting anywhere near it.
So you have to make it clear to yourself that the decision to start living your life sometimes involves both contributing to the present day and working through patterns from your past. Usually, the biggest obstacles are hidden right there – in the past.
You could even pay attention to the question of why you haven’t started an exercise regimen. Is it just a question of comfort? Or is there a fear of having a body that is too beautiful? That doesn’t sound very plausible, but it might be true! It’s worth exploring, too. Perhaps you have immersed yourself in an unconscious belief that a very beautiful and sexy body is incompatible with spiritual interests? Close your eyes and picture yourself in some habitual environment with a completely new body. Find out how you’d really feel if your body were slim and attractive. Would you be free and be able to enjoy it? Or would you feel uncomfortable instead? What are the thoughts that make this uncomfortable? Maybe something like “Do they think I’m an airhead now?” or “I don’t think women with such a body are taken seriously in conversations!” or “They don’t think I’m intellectually more attractive than I am physically?” If that sort of suspicion comes into your head, what does it mean? That’s right! You are not prepared to live in a truly beautiful, toned body!
So it has to be made clear what you really want. If you are committed to developing a toned body, you must first get rid of the fear of being attractive.
Find out where that fear comes from! What did you, as a teenager, do about the possibility that you might be considered beautiful or even sexy? You may find in the course of this research a connection between this and the contempt from your father or the accusations from your mother. In that case, seek help from a therapist to eliminate these connections and get rid of the fear of attention being paid to your body.
Fear of being visible
If you discover that you shy away from any kind of attention, find out where your fear of being noticed comes from. What happened in childhood when you were noticed? What followed it when you were too visible? Perhaps you remember that, as a child, you had to keep your distance from adults in order to avoid sarcastic remarks or swearing, and there might have been even physical violence to avoid? Having realised that it was safe to be invisible, you can’t assume that today you are able to stand out.
If you wish to improve your performance today, but your unconscious mind considers it a threat to your survival, your wish will not materialise. First, you have to clean up the part of the unconscious that fights public attention and tries to keep you in the shadow. If this clean-up is not done, you may be surprised at how many ways the Subconscious Self has to sabotage you. It can come up with amazing problems and create incredible “coincidences” to hide and cover you.
Mailiis is committed to professional advancement. She has prepared a thorough and eye-catching presentation for a key board meeting, with which she hopes to gain recognition and pave the way for promotion. But Mailiis’ Subconscious Self works based on the input she has received in her childhood, and she arranges it so that at the last moment, some more important agenda items come up and her report is removed from the agenda. It can be emailed to the parties concerned the next day, but there is no possibility to present it and comment on it. The big bosses who have come from overseas are not going to hear Mailiis and her presentation. She will be deprived of the expected attention, promotion and recognition because this is safer for the Subconscious Self.
Memories of the physical violence that followed when she intervened, crying, in her parents’ quarrels have remained in her unconscious. Neither her mother nor her father were able to sympathise with a child who was suffering from insomnia and fear. They were more focused on their own conflict, and apart from that, they had no skills to help the child. Hidden in the wardrobe, in bed or under the blanket, the child was worried for her mother, but at least this way she was not affected by violence. But there were times when the waiting became too unbearable and she came out of her hiding place to calm her father in the kitchen and protect her mother, after which she had to live with bruises and torn-out tufts of hair as consequences.
It was wise to be out of sight on a daily basis, at least at the time her father came home. She could never be sure what was going to happen, what little things would upset her father, what would trigger swearing, or what would result in punishment.
Mariliis’ unconscious quickly realised that it was safer to be hidden. And although the lack of attention and love made her need to prove herself constantly in order to earn recognition, the opposite need – to be in the shadows – also remained.
As an adult, Mariliis tends to feel that, despite her professional skills, constant self-improvement and natural talents, she is not achieving goals that are within her reach. It seems as if an evil hand keeps blocking her at the last moment. In reality, this “evil hand” is unresolved material from her own unconscious material.
Why not live today?
You can start exploring all the issues leading up to this postponement today! Don’t wait until procrastination becomes your established identity!
However, if you postpone the examination of issues that are important to you, you will postpone your whole self-development. Avoiding the discomfort that deep self-observation inevitably brings with it, you avoid moving forward. But movement means living.
Don’t postpone living!
If you don’t start living right now, you may never know what the universe has in store for you!
* The names have been changed.