Kadri Sakala<\/p>\n
From brain scans, we know that the brain processes emotional pain in the same area that records physical pain. However, invisible wounds are often left untreated, and the abuser is not required to take responsibility. The impact of emotional violence on the psyche is profound and widespread.<\/p>\n Trust helps couples to get through the difficult moments and periods of life.<\/strong> Knowing that I can trust my partner provides enough of a foundation to calm me down and allow me to keep a clear head in stormy moments. However, it is impossible to trust an emotionally violent person because one cannot rely on them, and that is why these relationships often break down. Trust doesn\u2019t help.<\/p>\n In a relationship, the brain asks questions to check: \u201cCan I count on you? Are you there for me?\u201d If the answer is no or maybe, this immediately activates the reptilian brain, which controls fight-or-flight responses. And it paves the way to an emotionally violent relationship. Instead of talking about our fears, emotions and needs in a tense situation, most of us start blaming and turning away. We do not seek help and comfort from our partner if we feel insecure; instead, we become nervous and angry or cold and insensitive.<\/p>\n Very few have been raised with the skills needed to cope with emotions. Abuse starts when a person cannot cope with some of their emotions<\/strong> \u2013 such as helplessness, fear, sadness, or weakness \u2013 and is unable to express this in a non-violent way. To cover up a vulnerable feeling, one becomes angry or numb and attacks his or her partner or runs off to TV, work, garage, child, friend, sport, etc.<\/p>\n Psychologically healthy people can control their emotions and understand that rude behaviour is never justified. They feel ashamed enough to take responsibility for their actions. They apologise and ask their partner, \u201cHow can I make it up to you for what I\u2019ve done?\u201d and change their behaviour. Their sense of shame prevents them from mistreating another person.<\/p>\n However, the abuser has no sense of shame and therefore finds no reason to ask for an apology. As they see it, the partner should understand and tolerate their behaviour, and in most cases their conduct is the partner\u2019s fault. They have a hundred and one justifications for raising their voice, lying, ignoring, breaking an agreement or other mistreatment. And even if they apologise at some point, they still won\u2019t change their behaviour.<\/p>\n If a person can\u2019t be vulnerable in a relationship, he or she becomes nervous. In the worst case, they get sick, start consuming drugs or envision an invisible divorce where people live under one roof, but in different universes.<\/p>\n Since those in an emotionally violent relationship lack an understanding of what is acceptable and what is not, each side blames the other for their own shortcomings and refuses to take responsibility or take sole responsibility for the quality of the relationship.<\/p>\n In emotionally violent relationships, the abusers lie to themselves and those around them: \u201cYou<\/em> make me behave like this.\u201d And the victims of violence lie to themselves: \u201cIf only I were good enough, they wouldn\u2019t be violent with me.\u201d<\/p>\n Emotionally violent people find it hard to understand the feelings of their partner. They may be empathic with strangers, but at home they can act cruelly, using bad language and raising their voice. In a conflict situation, they are unwilling to listen to their partner to the end and are not prepared to remain polite in the course of the quarrel. When they make decisions, the world revolves around them, even though they don\u2019t see it that way.<\/p>\n Raising your voice and shouting, being dismissive (including in a joking way), betraying trust, rewriting history, denying your words or actions, criticising and being judgemental, shaming, threatening, concealing, lying, insulting and using ugly words about others, calling names, keeping important information to yourself, disrespect, hostile humour, ignoring others (neglecting their feelings and needs, not answering questions, etc.), repeatedly not keeping promises and sticking to agreements, mocking others, setting traps for them, framing them, instability (today I love you, tomorrow I don\u2019t; today the agreement applies, tomorrow it doesn\u2019t \u2013 unpredictable behaviour) and impulsiveness (reacting or acting thoughtlessly, making decisions without full information).<\/em><\/p>\n Clients often ask: If I\u2019m not allowed to criticise, how am I supposed to comment on a partner\u2019s unpleasant behaviour? The rule is simple: to express frustration is healthy; to criticise is not healthy.<\/em><\/p>\n In expressing frustration, you describe the behaviour that bothers you (e.g., you\u2019re late, you don\u2019t listen to everything I had to say, you didn\u2019t stick to the agreement, etc.).<\/em><\/p>\n While criticising, you attack another person or his or her character traits (e.g., you are selfish, stupid, embittered, a victim, lazy, etc.).<\/em><\/p>\n Those who have entered a relationship with an emotionally violent person cling to the hope that deep down in this abuser, there is a good person, and if they are loved enough, goodness will come out of them at last. They start apologising for their partner\u2019s behaviour. They find it hard to understand that everyone is solely responsible for their own behaviour.<\/p>\n Victims of violence blame themselves for the partner\u2019s reactions and begin to walk on eggshells, fearing a new explosion from the partner. They put the partner\u2019s needs first, and by the end of the day, they feel empty and powerless. They only want to see what is good about the partner and refuse to see cruelty or recklessness. These are people who often come to therapy and stay there for a long time, with the aim of learning to be an even better person for their abusive partner. They also hope that the other person will magically start loving them and treat them humanely and politely.<\/p>\n It is difficult for those suffering from violence to break out of a relationship because the instability of the abuser makes them question the adequate perception of their own reality. Since the thinking, feeling, judgement and behaviour of the abuser can change at any time, the other partner cannot keep up with it. One of our basic needs is to feel safe and secure, and if our partner provides that security, we can predict how life will go and how the partner will behave. A lack of a sense of security, on the other hand, drives you crazy, and the instability destroys your psyche. Studies have revealed that living in fear and instability changes the brain and makes us, as human beings, more stupid.<\/p>\n An abuser\u2019s behaviour is accompanied by the idea of \u201cbut I have the right to do it now\u201d. And this idea prevents them from changing. If such a person says he or she wants to change but doesn\u2019t seek help or do everything he or she can to change their behaviour, it\u2019s best to leave this relationship.<\/p>\n How do I know if it\u2019s worth staying in a relationship, and if it\u2019s worth trying to improve the relationship? Look at what the partner is doing: do his\/her words and actions go together? If words and deeds do not match, believe the deeds.<\/strong><\/p>\n What makes it more confusing for many victims is the fact that abusers are usually able to keep up a very good facade in front of others. They can be great colleagues, managers, friends and companions. There they are able to adjust themselves because it is important for them to be liked by others, whereas being liked by their partner is not as important. Instead, it is important for them to feel that they control the situation in a relationship and that life goes as they wish.<\/p>\n Love is an act that says, \u201cI care.\u201d<\/strong> People who love you don\u2019t mistreat you. They behave respectfully and gently with you, stick to the agreements, pay attention to your feelings and needs, and treat them fondly. They are honest and caring.<\/p>\n CANCELLATION OF FEELINGS<\/p>\n ONLY ONE OPINION<\/strong><\/p>\n UNEQUAL RELATIONSHIP<\/strong><\/p>\n INSTABILITY<\/strong><\/p>\n INDECENT BEHAVIOUR<\/strong><\/p>\n How to change your relationship<\/strong><\/p>\n Nobody wants to be a bad partner, but being a good partner is an art. To learn to be happy in a relationship is to learn how to be a safe partner. We may want the best, but if we have soul wounds that we have not acknowledged or dealt with, they will dominate our life, including how we interact with our companions. Ugly behaviour doesn\u2019t apply to a good relationship. There are plenty of ways to get new knowledge and skills concerning relationships these days.<\/p>\n It\u2019s always suggested that you do to others as you would want them to do to you. In fact, this should be rephrased: \u201cDo to others what they would like you to do\u201d, because everyone\u2019s needs are different. It may be that, in moments of anxiety, you need the security of knowing a partner is listening to you, while in similar troubled moments, your partner may need you just to hold him or her, and they may want to have time to gather their thoughts and speak only later. Learn your partner\u2019s love language and be very attentive to your partner\u2019s needs. We need to learn to comfort our partners and support them the way they need it. Then the relationship can be wonderful, too.<\/p>\n The article appeared in the magazine Hingele Pai<\/em> (Autumn 2018)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Kadri Sakala Having worked as a relationship therapist for years, I have been alarmed to see how much emotional violence is used in relationships. It can even be considered an epidemic. From brain scans, we know that the brain processes emotional pain in the same area that records physical pain. However, invisible wounds are often […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":68,"featured_media":22428,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[357],"tags":[710,711,713,712,699,709],"coauthors":[129],"class_list":["post-22427","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-articles","tag-emotions","tag-healing","tag-love","tag-relationship","tag-therapy","tag-violence"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\n
\nHaving worked as a relationship therapist for years, I have been alarmed to see how much emotional violence is used in relationships. It can even be considered an epidemic. <\/strong><\/p>\nThe onset of pain<\/strong><\/h3>\n
What is emotional violence?<\/em><\/strong><\/h3>\n
How to talk about a partner\u2019s disturbing behaviour<\/em><\/strong><\/h3>\n
Faith in healing<\/strong><\/h3>\n
Basic forms of abusive relationships <\/strong><\/h3>\n
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